Welcome to Thompson's Tools
Hello, all. My name is Thompson, owner-proprietor of Thompson's Tools. Some might say that owner and proprietor are two words that mean the exact same thing. This is true, but these are the only words I could use to describe myself. I would never call myself, "owner-owner" of Thompson's Tools; yet I must somehow find a way. I breathe tools. 
There are only two pieces of information that I wish to divulge at this time, neither of which is my last name.
The first: I was born in 1940 in Weehawken, NJ to Mother, the in-house lobotomist at Weehawken Asylum.
The second: after being dismissed from the Bush Administration's janitorial staff, I enlisted, and became the oldest solider to fight in the War in Iraq.
Certain cretins have accused me of fabricating details of my military service. This is shameful. I have the scar to prove it. Just ask any Thompson's Tools regular and they'll tell you: it's on my upper thigh.
Those same cretins have accused me of numerous other crimes as well-- stealing the name of their family business, for instance.
They have also accused me of non-existence, on the grounds of me having only one picture of myself. This is innacurate; I am real, and any explaination of how all other pictures of me were wiped from collective memory would spark needless investigation.
All that to say, thank you for your interest in Thompson's Tools. I like to think that there is something here for everyone. Keep up with my latest musings and tool news commentary on my blog. Soak in my opinions on literature in the Literature Corner. We even have something for the kids-- our very own Club Penguin server. According to my granddaughter the last time I spoke to her, this game is really hot right now.